Sigh...

I usually try to write a post every first of the year...but this year has started out...differently. I had such high hopes for 2012. To be honest, the last three years or so haven't exactly satisfied the expectations. Nothing bad has happened, but nothing truly spectacular either.

But boy oh boy was 2012 a whopper. It started out well enough with a trip to Reno and my 23rd birthday. But once April hit, it kinda went downhill from there. My long time best bud, Penny-my cranky POA for 11 years- passed away from either colic or twisted gut. Then my moron of a boss at the OSU dairy left a valve open and spilled manure water into the nearby creek causing me to lose my job. FYI, I never even heard about the spill until I learned that I had lost my job.

But nothing could stop me from looking forward to school, or to Disneyland. I thought, everything would be alright if I could just get through school and then hit Disneyland for our family Christmas vacation. Disneyland: the ultimate end to 2012.

But then my mom got sick and within two days died. And she left herself behind for me to see everywhere. I look and see her in everything around me. And there are some times where I feel comforted by this, and others where I just want to burn it all. And when I have those feelings it's because I see all the lost opportunities for learning and being together. And how they'll never happen...ever. And the guilt hits me. I recently found a diary from my mom when she was 16. And in it she wrote about how she wanted a daughter and how she wanted to teach her all about sewing and cooking...and how I never cared to learn about any of that.

But I did learn so much already, just not the things that she initially wanted to teach me. And that makes me feel better.

It'll be a long road to normal, or feeling like I have a schedule again. I will miss school and miss the Dinosaur Bio class I was planning on taking and the campus. And my friends. But you must adapt. And this is what I'm doing. Adapting.