Life without Mom...so far...

Well, here I sit, it has been exactly one month, an hour, and two minutes since my Mom went home. And I have to say, I am worried about myself...not in the way you might expect though. I'm not bed ridden, crying 24/7-heck, to be completely honest, I cried more when Penny died...- I'm getting work done, lots of work everyday, more so than when she was alive...and conquering the bookkeeping world.

So why am I worried? Well, I feel like I should be bed ridden, and depressed. My Mom and I were so close, and we shared a lot of passions. Art, art retreats, movies and tv shows, we even collected Monster High together. So, why am I not completely out of it? I was wondering this last night when I was trying to go to sleep. Why am I not a blubbering mess?

I guess it's because I'm too busy lol right now. Which is why I'm nervous, all the phone calls will cease, the food and cards will stop, and it will be just Dad and me and Alice. For any of you who watch Supernatural, I feel like Season 7 Sam right now. He had a wall put up in his mind to stop him from remembering horrific things done to him. And that's how I feel. I feel like there's this wall in my mind, because every once and awhile, I can feel little cracks in it. Tiny ones, and I really can't even give you a real example of what they are. They're just memories, or small realizations that I kinda already knew, but are really starting to dawn on me. And I am scared that one day, it's all gonna come tumbling down...

Mom's body came home on Monday, and that was...weird. To see all that was left of the person who carried me for nine months, who taught me math, and perspective, and took me on retreats...and to just see her reduced to that...that stuff there...that was my Mom...It was so out of body. But she is now in the rose garden, and in our window in a vase.

And I guess one more reason I'm OK, is because I know she is so happy. It's not fair, she dies and leaves us, and we're stuck here...LOL And also because I can feel her a lot. She talks to me, not physically, but there are conversations we have. Not all the time. LOL But that's for another post. Right now, I just need a shower, a nice hot shower, and a cuddle with Sailor.

Later a T Mobile representative is coming over for business plan options and I need to clean up. Hopefully I can get my hands on a bitching Nexus 4. LOL Fingers crossed.

Sigh...

I usually try to write a post every first of the year...but this year has started out...differently. I had such high hopes for 2012. To be honest, the last three years or so haven't exactly satisfied the expectations. Nothing bad has happened, but nothing truly spectacular either.

But boy oh boy was 2012 a whopper. It started out well enough with a trip to Reno and my 23rd birthday. But once April hit, it kinda went downhill from there. My long time best bud, Penny-my cranky POA for 11 years- passed away from either colic or twisted gut. Then my moron of a boss at the OSU dairy left a valve open and spilled manure water into the nearby creek causing me to lose my job. FYI, I never even heard about the spill until I learned that I had lost my job.

But nothing could stop me from looking forward to school, or to Disneyland. I thought, everything would be alright if I could just get through school and then hit Disneyland for our family Christmas vacation. Disneyland: the ultimate end to 2012.

But then my mom got sick and within two days died. And she left herself behind for me to see everywhere. I look and see her in everything around me. And there are some times where I feel comforted by this, and others where I just want to burn it all. And when I have those feelings it's because I see all the lost opportunities for learning and being together. And how they'll never happen...ever. And the guilt hits me. I recently found a diary from my mom when she was 16. And in it she wrote about how she wanted a daughter and how she wanted to teach her all about sewing and cooking...and how I never cared to learn about any of that.

But I did learn so much already, just not the things that she initially wanted to teach me. And that makes me feel better.

It'll be a long road to normal, or feeling like I have a schedule again. I will miss school and miss the Dinosaur Bio class I was planning on taking and the campus. And my friends. But you must adapt. And this is what I'm doing. Adapting.