Life without Mom...so far...

Well, here I sit, it has been exactly one month, an hour, and two minutes since my Mom went home. And I have to say, I am worried about myself...not in the way you might expect though. I'm not bed ridden, crying 24/7-heck, to be completely honest, I cried more when Penny died...- I'm getting work done, lots of work everyday, more so than when she was alive...and conquering the bookkeeping world.

So why am I worried? Well, I feel like I should be bed ridden, and depressed. My Mom and I were so close, and we shared a lot of passions. Art, art retreats, movies and tv shows, we even collected Monster High together. So, why am I not completely out of it? I was wondering this last night when I was trying to go to sleep. Why am I not a blubbering mess?

I guess it's because I'm too busy lol right now. Which is why I'm nervous, all the phone calls will cease, the food and cards will stop, and it will be just Dad and me and Alice. For any of you who watch Supernatural, I feel like Season 7 Sam right now. He had a wall put up in his mind to stop him from remembering horrific things done to him. And that's how I feel. I feel like there's this wall in my mind, because every once and awhile, I can feel little cracks in it. Tiny ones, and I really can't even give you a real example of what they are. They're just memories, or small realizations that I kinda already knew, but are really starting to dawn on me. And I am scared that one day, it's all gonna come tumbling down...

Mom's body came home on Monday, and that was...weird. To see all that was left of the person who carried me for nine months, who taught me math, and perspective, and took me on retreats...and to just see her reduced to that...that stuff there...that was my Mom...It was so out of body. But she is now in the rose garden, and in our window in a vase.

And I guess one more reason I'm OK, is because I know she is so happy. It's not fair, she dies and leaves us, and we're stuck here...LOL And also because I can feel her a lot. She talks to me, not physically, but there are conversations we have. Not all the time. LOL But that's for another post. Right now, I just need a shower, a nice hot shower, and a cuddle with Sailor.

Later a T Mobile representative is coming over for business plan options and I need to clean up. Hopefully I can get my hands on a bitching Nexus 4. LOL Fingers crossed.