It has been awhile!

So this post is probably going to be one long ramble. I don't really have anything to say specifically, just stuff.

The Disneyland trip my family and I took last week was awesome! I have been planning and prepping for the trip since February and I admit that the night before we left I was a little bit sad that it was going to be over soon.

But that was soon forgotten as I was just too busy screaming my way down Splash Mountain.

Speaking of Disney, I have a new obsession.

And it is this:





Now, I never before really fancied the Disney Dooneys, but this....this amazing purse was all I could think about the week before we left for the trip. I was hoping against all hopes that one would be tucked away, lost in a corner just waiting for me to find. But alas, Disney stuff just doesn't work that way. The purse might come back online sometime in the new year, but for now, I just wait.

It will be mine! HAhahahahaha! LOL

Not long after my dad left in July to visit Georgia I decided to go on a diet.
Yep.
I have been changing so many things in life that I decided why not be happier with how I look?
Just before we left, I had lost almost 30 lbs. I did gain a tiny bit back after the trip, but I am not sorry. The food there was just way too good.
This week I plan on diving in again head first and my new goal is to be up to 45 by the end of the year. That's doable right?
By next July I hope to be at 90. Eeek! I can do that right?

I am hard at work on my memoir. Writing about myself is the hardest part. So often I find myself longing to dive back into my old "The Society" trilogy and write about my fictional characters. But, I really feel this is something I need to finish.

Ugh, don't even get me started on the bleeping query letter. How do I make my life sound interesting enough to someone else? Maybe I'm fooling myself, but I never know until I try.

Well, this was just a quick update. I'm half way through my 2008 year of Dairy Princessing, once I finish that, it will be a few more rubberboots stories and then editing. I might go back and forth between a query letter and editing. Ugh, that letter. THAT'S  what's going to be hard to write. LOL

Babies!

My last few posts have been nothing but dismal and sad. So this time, I'm going to post something more upbeat.

Puppy and Twins and other calves I can’t forget.

There are very few calves that come through the calfhouse that I remember into their adulthood. I know them very well when I see them every day, but once they move up into the wean pen and then into the L group, I usually lose touch with who they are as individual animals- and that’s because there are currently more babies who need my attention.

But every once and awhile there will be one or two who stick in my mind forever.

151 is a great example, and that’s really only because she has lucked out and made it into any publication this farm ever had.

It all started back when she was only a few weeks old, the summer of 2004. A reporter for the local farm paper, Capital Press, was just driving around looking for filler stories and stopped by our place. He asked a few basic questions- How many cows do you have? How many do you milk? What breeds are they? And so on.

He then wanted to take some pictures and I told him we must go to the calfhouse because we have some red calves. Red is always a rare color on our farm and it’s somewhat exciting when we get one. It ended up being a moot point though; the picture came out in black and white anyway.

Well there she was: a tiny, bony little mix. Just the cutest thing you ever saw, back then she was the number 15, before she became a cow and was renumbered to 151. He then took some pictures of her sucking my fingers.

Flash forward a few years and now Darigold wants to take some photos for their coupon campaign. It was during the summer and we had all the dry cows in the field and everyone thought that would be the perfect backdrop.

And in the coupon you can see 151’s butt.

She was not only a camera magnet, but she is also a very long lived cow. She’s almost 9 at this time of writing and I hope she has 9 more in her.

***

Puppy was just another bull calf born in the field in the spring of 2012. But he was a bit different. He only topped out at thirty or so pounds at birth. We almost didn’t expect him to live.

But he had one thing going for him, he was a voracious eater. He would eat everything in sight and he had free reign of calfhouse-being that he was too small to fit any of collars.

He would follow my dad around like a little puppy dog wanting food. And that was how he came to the name Puppy.

We had to raise Puppy for a long while before he was big enough to sell, and he really didn’t grow much; except sideways.

In the end he went off to a nice family who needed an animal to graze their field.

Twins aren’t exactly rare, but are not too common either. We might get two or three sets of twins in a year. But what is exceptionally rare about them, is if we get two girls in a set.

If the dairy is to have a boy and girl set of twins, we can’t keep the female; because in all certainty she will grow up to be infertile. And to this day, I still don’t know why. I really must ask someone why that is so.

So, when we do get the rare occasion that we have a set of females, there’s usually a time when we name them.

I don’t know how many female twins the dairy has had in its lifetime, but I can think of three in the last five years, and that’s mainly because we have named them.

The first set we named was born about five years ago and they became the Bubblemint Twins- one was Pleasure and the other was Fun. They resided mainly in the Third Herd and did hang out quite a bit with each other.

The second set we had in the year 2010, and I remember this because of what I named them. In March of 2010, one of my all-time favorite directors came out with a new movie, Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland.” And now I bet you can see where this is going. I named the twins Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum.

And now, the year 2013, we have had another set of twin girls born. This time it was trickier to think of the right kind of names. I wanted it to be something I liked, maybe paying homage to something. It took me close to a week before I thought of a set of names. Being a huge Harry Potter fan, the names Flourish and Blotts just seemed so perfect. They are spunky little things and I think the names suit them quite well.

Then there are the calves that I remember not so fondly. Not because they got sick and died or anything, it’s mainly because-even for cow standards- are quite dumb and just test every patient bone in my body.

Most recently we decided to keep a bull calf, his name is Mike. But I couldn’t stand him. I had never seen an animal so slow in my life.

Drinking from the bottle was an issue for him because when he would release the nipple, he would seem to forget I was there with the rest of his meal and decide to wander about his stall or go socialize with the other calves instead.

I finally tried to get him on the bucket. Sometimes if a calf is not so good with the bottle, they can pick up the bucket quite quickly. A great calf can figure out the bucket immediately, a normal calf will take a few days to get it, the worst is a week. But Mike took three weeks. Three. He would tease me a lot too. There would be mornings where he would stick his head in and suck away. Then I would think,

“Yes, it has finally happened! He got it!”

But the afternoon would roll around and we would be stuck right back where we began, with him actually afraid of the bucket. And so starting over we would.

There is a very deliberate reason that I wrote Derpy Hooves on the back of his tag.

That day.

Here is the first part of my account of the day my mom died. It's meant to be part of my book. It's probably too depressing for anyone to read, but it's kind of therapeutic to talk about it.

The whole thing was so surreal, I remember sitting in one of the Disneyland restaurants while my mom was in the hospital saying that not even Lifetime could think of a TV movie with this plotline. 

Christmas break of 2012 was going to be epic. At the end of Fall term, I didn’t get into the Graphic Design program, but by the time I found out I didn’t care. I was so tired by the time I finished the class, so artistically drained, that it was almost a relief not to get in; and after seeing some of the things that had happened in the class and how they were handled, and then hearing who was actually allowed in-the whole program became disenchanted to me. I had become more interested in applied visual arts anyway.

But it was Friday December 7^th, I had just finished my 6am Art History Final and after walking back to my apartment, I didn’t feel anything but excitement for the next week.

My mom was going to pick me up later in the day and I was done with classes for a whole month. It was a great day and I was going to be in Disneyland that time next week.

The first full day of Disneyland was really a dream. We booked through the park. School in California had a week left before their break, and we were there in the middle of the week. A perfect time.

The first ride we hit was Pirates of the Caribbean, my dad’s favorite. I hadn’t ever seen him so relaxed or so kid like ever. We were in the middle of the ride and my dad turns to me and said he wanted to run away and become a pirate. I laughed loud and we sang along with the song.

But the next day wasn’t so good. My mom just couldn’t keep up. She had trouble breathing, and the second day when we were going to explore California Adventure, left early with my dad. He had gotten sick on California Screamin,’ so me and Alice had the park to ourselves.

But then by late Friday night, my mom had to go to the hospital. She couldn’t get any breath. The family and the hospital first figured she was having a panic attack. And took her away from the hotel room with an oxygen mask covering her face. The last real thing I remember about my mom-being my mom- was when she was on the gurney, holding the mask in her hand, pointing at my dad making sure he didn’t forget her purse.

She was wearing one of her favorite shirts, it had the Evil Queen from Disney’s Snow White on it, and it said, “Fairest of them all.” When her suitcase came home, the shirt was in it. A part of me wanted to keep it, and wear it as a night shirt, but instead I burned it.

I cried in front of the mirror and my sister and I hugged each other. I think we talked. If we did it would have been something like,

“It’ll be alright.”

It was only 4 in the morning on that Saturday and me and Alice tried to sleep. I couldn’t. I got out of our bed and moved to our parent’s. There I crawled under the covers with my laptop and watched the pilot of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I tried to sleep, but gave up at Nightmare Moon’s appearance.

Later me and Alice watched the latest Survivor episode. That was nice.

Dad came back later and told us to go out to the park. Apparently mom felt really bad and wanted us to enjoy ourselves. So we did. We rode Haunted Mansion, and Splash Mountain. But the lines were long and we got soaked at Splash. So we went back. Just not in the mood and watched cable tv.

It was a very strange day. Here we were, for the first time in Disneyland as a family, and we couldn’t be together.

Much of the day is blurry. I don’t really know what happened in the middle of the day. Some parts stick out sharply and other parts just seem like holes.

Dad came back in the later part of the day and we strolled out to go to Pirates again. The park was completely packed, being that it was a weekend. And we had to wait in line for quite a bit. The line part was actually nice. We talked and laughed and planned what to eat for dinner.

But when we sat in the ride, all I could think about was how I felt the last time I was in this ride. And just how opposite I felt now. Mom wasn’t at the end of the row taking in the sights. No, she was stuck in some dinky hospital room trying to breathe. We were completely silent through the whole ride.

The joy was definitely gone.

We left after that.

As we were leaving the park, we decided we were going to visit mom in the hospital. Near the center of the park there was a big candle light Christmas celebration going on. A choir of what seemed like hundreds of people were singing “Come All Ye Faithful” and the beauty of the music made me just completely break down. I sobbed for a good 30 seconds before I was able to pull myself together.

A part of me wanted to stay, but I really didn’t. It was too sad, and we needed to see mom.

When we got to the hospital I was surprised by how much it reminded me of my old high school. Water stains on the ceiling, a dingy smell, and just a general feel of old buildings.

I saw my mom on the bed with her eyes closed and an oxygen tube in her nose, and the latest EW sitting next to her bed. I smiled because it was their Hobbit issue.

We talked for a few minutes and I told her about the choir and how the director had a sparkly purple jacket. She smiled at that.

Then we prayed and I gave her a kiss on the forehead. It was a little awkward because the bars of the bed made it difficult for me to reach her and she laughed a little.

I said, “I love you mom, see you soon.”

And walked out.

That was the last time I ever saw her.

We ate later at a restaurant. I was so hungry. But that was the hardest meal I ever ate. My stomach cried out for food, but my mouth wanted to barf it back out. I did manage to eat the whole plate though.

All I could remember was the previous night. I had Minnie Ears on and we sat at the table laughing and eating good food.

If that were to be the last time that we ate together as a family, at least it was while in Disneyland.

When we got back to the room, mom talked to dad on the phone. I could hear her and she sounded good. I went to sleep that night thinking she was going to be alright, and we were going to make it through this.

At 4.30 in the morning my dad woke up and called the hospital. Me and Alice were annoyed because we still had half an hour of sleep left and we had a plane to catch later. But his instincts were tingling.

He took a shower and we had a family moment. The look on his face as he left the room was something I’ll never forget. Alice and I were ready early so we watched cable for a while.

Everything went well as we drove to the airport in our shuttle. There was a huge back up due to an accident in the opposite direction, and I couldn’t help but thank God that it wasn’t our side. That was the last thing we needed.

I was nervous about security. When we went through LAX security last time, it wasn’t a very pleasant experience. But it was barely 7 in the morning and big crowds hadn’t shown yet.

As a treat for getting through the final hurdle before our flight we treated ourselves to the food court. Alice got herself something from Starbucks and I got a smoothie from Pinkberry.

I called dad for an update.

“It’s not looking good.” He said. “She’s been in ICU for the last half hour.”

And that maybe, I should prepare myself.

ICU. I once asked mom what that meant. And she told me that it was the highest level of the hospital. It meant that you were just barely a hair away from death.

I dismissed that. I know that mom had worked in the medical field and knew terms; but that was years ago and maybe she didn’t remember correctly. But this is my mom, she never forgets that.

Christmas carols were playing on the speakers and I just felt like I was a million miles beneath the earth-and wishing that I really was. There was a family sitting at the table next to us. A dad, mom, and a little girl no older than five, maybe younger. They were obviously going somewhere fun. They were all smiles, and the dad was singing along with the song to his girls. I wanted to stand up and throw my chair across the room and break something; then collapse into a puddle.

But instead I sat there and shivered and Alice shivered. We kept telling each other that everything will be alright. It’s just how it looks right now that’s making things look really bad.  

I then told her that I had to move out of Corvallis. I had to leave school. There was no way the dairy could continue with mom the way she was. And she agreed.

We decided that we couldn't just sit. So we got up to wander around a bit and find our gate. We went to the bathroom and then go sit at our gate.

When we sat down my phone started to ring.

I saw that it was dad calling. And took a deep breath.

This is it.

This is going to determine how everything will go. And it will either be good, or it will be bad.

“Hey dad.”

“Lydia, mom went on to be with Jesus.”

“Ok.”

He said some other things, probably how hard the doctors worked and how long she was there…I don’t remember, all I remember saying was, “Ok.” Every time he said something.

I hang up and look at Alice.

“She’s gone.” And we start to cry quietly, trying to attract as little attention as possible. With some deep breaths I was able to control myself a little.

“It’s OK,” Alice said. “Now we know, and I have a sense of calm.”

I nodded in agreement and she went off to go make calls.

I just sat there in a stunned silence.

I am now the only person who can pay the bills at the dairy. And I have no clue how to do that. I had stood over mom’s should once. And just watched, but that was ages ago and I knew there was nothing I retained.

How was I going to pay off all the grain? And hay? How was I going to pay the guys? How was I going to do anything? When all I wanted to do was go crawl into a grave of my own and never get out. I thought about the grave. Six feet below the earth, the dirt would be cool, and the light dim. It would be quiet, and no one would bother me. I could sleep and forget all my troubles and maybe someone would cover me with dirt and I wouldn’t have to look at or talk to anyone ever again.

Alice came back and snapped me out of my dream and back to reality. And there we cried again.

It was December 16^th, a Sunday 2012, at 8.26 am. That was the date and time that my mom passed away and changed my life forever.

I guess I just don't understand...

So it's the day after the Superbowl. And the team I was rooting for won. Yay! But that's not why people watch the Superbowl, people watch the Superbowl for the ads. And the day after, everyone wants to know what you thought of the ads and what your favorite sites thought of the ads. And this is what one of my go to sites thought of my favorite ad. I won't mention the site, it's kinda of a dead point. 

So for some reason, that just bothered me. Thanks a lot for stating the obvious. Like those of us who do it don't already know. I guess a part of me thought the world was getting better and understanding more about how important we are and just how hard it is. But I guess not. 

In the long run, what one blogger thinks doesn't really matter. But for once I would just like a little acknowledgement. And I thought the Dodge commercial did that. But not everyone gets it.

Life without Mom...so far...

Well, here I sit, it has been exactly one month, an hour, and two minutes since my Mom went home. And I have to say, I am worried about myself...not in the way you might expect though. I'm not bed ridden, crying 24/7-heck, to be completely honest, I cried more when Penny died...- I'm getting work done, lots of work everyday, more so than when she was alive...and conquering the bookkeeping world.

So why am I worried? Well, I feel like I should be bed ridden, and depressed. My Mom and I were so close, and we shared a lot of passions. Art, art retreats, movies and tv shows, we even collected Monster High together. So, why am I not completely out of it? I was wondering this last night when I was trying to go to sleep. Why am I not a blubbering mess?

I guess it's because I'm too busy lol right now. Which is why I'm nervous, all the phone calls will cease, the food and cards will stop, and it will be just Dad and me and Alice. For any of you who watch Supernatural, I feel like Season 7 Sam right now. He had a wall put up in his mind to stop him from remembering horrific things done to him. And that's how I feel. I feel like there's this wall in my mind, because every once and awhile, I can feel little cracks in it. Tiny ones, and I really can't even give you a real example of what they are. They're just memories, or small realizations that I kinda already knew, but are really starting to dawn on me. And I am scared that one day, it's all gonna come tumbling down...

Mom's body came home on Monday, and that was...weird. To see all that was left of the person who carried me for nine months, who taught me math, and perspective, and took me on retreats...and to just see her reduced to that...that stuff there...that was my Mom...It was so out of body. But she is now in the rose garden, and in our window in a vase.

And I guess one more reason I'm OK, is because I know she is so happy. It's not fair, she dies and leaves us, and we're stuck here...LOL And also because I can feel her a lot. She talks to me, not physically, but there are conversations we have. Not all the time. LOL But that's for another post. Right now, I just need a shower, a nice hot shower, and a cuddle with Sailor.

Later a T Mobile representative is coming over for business plan options and I need to clean up. Hopefully I can get my hands on a bitching Nexus 4. LOL Fingers crossed.

Sigh...

I usually try to write a post every first of the year...but this year has started out...differently. I had such high hopes for 2012. To be honest, the last three years or so haven't exactly satisfied the expectations. Nothing bad has happened, but nothing truly spectacular either.

But boy oh boy was 2012 a whopper. It started out well enough with a trip to Reno and my 23rd birthday. But once April hit, it kinda went downhill from there. My long time best bud, Penny-my cranky POA for 11 years- passed away from either colic or twisted gut. Then my moron of a boss at the OSU dairy left a valve open and spilled manure water into the nearby creek causing me to lose my job. FYI, I never even heard about the spill until I learned that I had lost my job.

But nothing could stop me from looking forward to school, or to Disneyland. I thought, everything would be alright if I could just get through school and then hit Disneyland for our family Christmas vacation. Disneyland: the ultimate end to 2012.

But then my mom got sick and within two days died. And she left herself behind for me to see everywhere. I look and see her in everything around me. And there are some times where I feel comforted by this, and others where I just want to burn it all. And when I have those feelings it's because I see all the lost opportunities for learning and being together. And how they'll never happen...ever. And the guilt hits me. I recently found a diary from my mom when she was 16. And in it she wrote about how she wanted a daughter and how she wanted to teach her all about sewing and cooking...and how I never cared to learn about any of that.

But I did learn so much already, just not the things that she initially wanted to teach me. And that makes me feel better.

It'll be a long road to normal, or feeling like I have a schedule again. I will miss school and miss the Dinosaur Bio class I was planning on taking and the campus. And my friends. But you must adapt. And this is what I'm doing. Adapting.