That day.

Here is the first part of my account of the day my mom died. It's meant to be part of my book. It's probably too depressing for anyone to read, but it's kind of therapeutic to talk about it.

The whole thing was so surreal, I remember sitting in one of the Disneyland restaurants while my mom was in the hospital saying that not even Lifetime could think of a TV movie with this plotline. 

Christmas break of 2012 was going to be epic. At the end of Fall term, I didn’t get into the Graphic Design program, but by the time I found out I didn’t care. I was so tired by the time I finished the class, so artistically drained, that it was almost a relief not to get in; and after seeing some of the things that had happened in the class and how they were handled, and then hearing who was actually allowed in-the whole program became disenchanted to me. I had become more interested in applied visual arts anyway.

But it was Friday December 7^th, I had just finished my 6am Art History Final and after walking back to my apartment, I didn’t feel anything but excitement for the next week.

My mom was going to pick me up later in the day and I was done with classes for a whole month. It was a great day and I was going to be in Disneyland that time next week.

The first full day of Disneyland was really a dream. We booked through the park. School in California had a week left before their break, and we were there in the middle of the week. A perfect time.

The first ride we hit was Pirates of the Caribbean, my dad’s favorite. I hadn’t ever seen him so relaxed or so kid like ever. We were in the middle of the ride and my dad turns to me and said he wanted to run away and become a pirate. I laughed loud and we sang along with the song.

But the next day wasn’t so good. My mom just couldn’t keep up. She had trouble breathing, and the second day when we were going to explore California Adventure, left early with my dad. He had gotten sick on California Screamin,’ so me and Alice had the park to ourselves.

But then by late Friday night, my mom had to go to the hospital. She couldn’t get any breath. The family and the hospital first figured she was having a panic attack. And took her away from the hotel room with an oxygen mask covering her face. The last real thing I remember about my mom-being my mom- was when she was on the gurney, holding the mask in her hand, pointing at my dad making sure he didn’t forget her purse.

She was wearing one of her favorite shirts, it had the Evil Queen from Disney’s Snow White on it, and it said, “Fairest of them all.” When her suitcase came home, the shirt was in it. A part of me wanted to keep it, and wear it as a night shirt, but instead I burned it.

I cried in front of the mirror and my sister and I hugged each other. I think we talked. If we did it would have been something like,

“It’ll be alright.”

It was only 4 in the morning on that Saturday and me and Alice tried to sleep. I couldn’t. I got out of our bed and moved to our parent’s. There I crawled under the covers with my laptop and watched the pilot of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I tried to sleep, but gave up at Nightmare Moon’s appearance.

Later me and Alice watched the latest Survivor episode. That was nice.

Dad came back later and told us to go out to the park. Apparently mom felt really bad and wanted us to enjoy ourselves. So we did. We rode Haunted Mansion, and Splash Mountain. But the lines were long and we got soaked at Splash. So we went back. Just not in the mood and watched cable tv.

It was a very strange day. Here we were, for the first time in Disneyland as a family, and we couldn’t be together.

Much of the day is blurry. I don’t really know what happened in the middle of the day. Some parts stick out sharply and other parts just seem like holes.

Dad came back in the later part of the day and we strolled out to go to Pirates again. The park was completely packed, being that it was a weekend. And we had to wait in line for quite a bit. The line part was actually nice. We talked and laughed and planned what to eat for dinner.

But when we sat in the ride, all I could think about was how I felt the last time I was in this ride. And just how opposite I felt now. Mom wasn’t at the end of the row taking in the sights. No, she was stuck in some dinky hospital room trying to breathe. We were completely silent through the whole ride.

The joy was definitely gone.

We left after that.

As we were leaving the park, we decided we were going to visit mom in the hospital. Near the center of the park there was a big candle light Christmas celebration going on. A choir of what seemed like hundreds of people were singing “Come All Ye Faithful” and the beauty of the music made me just completely break down. I sobbed for a good 30 seconds before I was able to pull myself together.

A part of me wanted to stay, but I really didn’t. It was too sad, and we needed to see mom.

When we got to the hospital I was surprised by how much it reminded me of my old high school. Water stains on the ceiling, a dingy smell, and just a general feel of old buildings.

I saw my mom on the bed with her eyes closed and an oxygen tube in her nose, and the latest EW sitting next to her bed. I smiled because it was their Hobbit issue.

We talked for a few minutes and I told her about the choir and how the director had a sparkly purple jacket. She smiled at that.

Then we prayed and I gave her a kiss on the forehead. It was a little awkward because the bars of the bed made it difficult for me to reach her and she laughed a little.

I said, “I love you mom, see you soon.”

And walked out.

That was the last time I ever saw her.

We ate later at a restaurant. I was so hungry. But that was the hardest meal I ever ate. My stomach cried out for food, but my mouth wanted to barf it back out. I did manage to eat the whole plate though.

All I could remember was the previous night. I had Minnie Ears on and we sat at the table laughing and eating good food.

If that were to be the last time that we ate together as a family, at least it was while in Disneyland.

When we got back to the room, mom talked to dad on the phone. I could hear her and she sounded good. I went to sleep that night thinking she was going to be alright, and we were going to make it through this.

At 4.30 in the morning my dad woke up and called the hospital. Me and Alice were annoyed because we still had half an hour of sleep left and we had a plane to catch later. But his instincts were tingling.

He took a shower and we had a family moment. The look on his face as he left the room was something I’ll never forget. Alice and I were ready early so we watched cable for a while.

Everything went well as we drove to the airport in our shuttle. There was a huge back up due to an accident in the opposite direction, and I couldn’t help but thank God that it wasn’t our side. That was the last thing we needed.

I was nervous about security. When we went through LAX security last time, it wasn’t a very pleasant experience. But it was barely 7 in the morning and big crowds hadn’t shown yet.

As a treat for getting through the final hurdle before our flight we treated ourselves to the food court. Alice got herself something from Starbucks and I got a smoothie from Pinkberry.

I called dad for an update.

“It’s not looking good.” He said. “She’s been in ICU for the last half hour.”

And that maybe, I should prepare myself.

ICU. I once asked mom what that meant. And she told me that it was the highest level of the hospital. It meant that you were just barely a hair away from death.

I dismissed that. I know that mom had worked in the medical field and knew terms; but that was years ago and maybe she didn’t remember correctly. But this is my mom, she never forgets that.

Christmas carols were playing on the speakers and I just felt like I was a million miles beneath the earth-and wishing that I really was. There was a family sitting at the table next to us. A dad, mom, and a little girl no older than five, maybe younger. They were obviously going somewhere fun. They were all smiles, and the dad was singing along with the song to his girls. I wanted to stand up and throw my chair across the room and break something; then collapse into a puddle.

But instead I sat there and shivered and Alice shivered. We kept telling each other that everything will be alright. It’s just how it looks right now that’s making things look really bad.  

I then told her that I had to move out of Corvallis. I had to leave school. There was no way the dairy could continue with mom the way she was. And she agreed.

We decided that we couldn't just sit. So we got up to wander around a bit and find our gate. We went to the bathroom and then go sit at our gate.

When we sat down my phone started to ring.

I saw that it was dad calling. And took a deep breath.

This is it.

This is going to determine how everything will go. And it will either be good, or it will be bad.

“Hey dad.”

“Lydia, mom went on to be with Jesus.”

“Ok.”

He said some other things, probably how hard the doctors worked and how long she was there…I don’t remember, all I remember saying was, “Ok.” Every time he said something.

I hang up and look at Alice.

“She’s gone.” And we start to cry quietly, trying to attract as little attention as possible. With some deep breaths I was able to control myself a little.

“It’s OK,” Alice said. “Now we know, and I have a sense of calm.”

I nodded in agreement and she went off to go make calls.

I just sat there in a stunned silence.

I am now the only person who can pay the bills at the dairy. And I have no clue how to do that. I had stood over mom’s should once. And just watched, but that was ages ago and I knew there was nothing I retained.

How was I going to pay off all the grain? And hay? How was I going to pay the guys? How was I going to do anything? When all I wanted to do was go crawl into a grave of my own and never get out. I thought about the grave. Six feet below the earth, the dirt would be cool, and the light dim. It would be quiet, and no one would bother me. I could sleep and forget all my troubles and maybe someone would cover me with dirt and I wouldn’t have to look at or talk to anyone ever again.

Alice came back and snapped me out of my dream and back to reality. And there we cried again.

It was December 16^th, a Sunday 2012, at 8.26 am. That was the date and time that my mom passed away and changed my life forever.